‘I went to London’s ‘worst Wetherspoons’ according to TripAdvisor and one dish was like play dough’ – Callum Marius

When it comes to Wetherspoons, good value food and drink go hand in hand.

I’m pretty fat and I like trains so you’d think that the chance to have breakfast in an establishment renowned for cheap and cheerful calories overlooking one of the busiest stations in the country would be the right way to start my day, no?

Well, the Victoria station branch of Wetherspoons has been rated as “Worst Wetherspoons ever” by users of the popular reviews website TripAdvisor.

Some of the comments leave little to be desired.

One reviewer reports: “A bluebottle flew off the plate as it was delivered to us.”

Another said that they “felt like I needed a shower when we left”.

Bad reviews have never put me off trying out a train station service before so I thought I’d do my own little taste test.

READ MORE: ‘I went to one of London’s ‘worst Italian restaurants’ and the manager wouldn’t stop yelling at the staff’

Love bland, unfulfilling food and bland, unfulfilling public transport services? Then this is THE place to be!

When I arrived at the pub located on the first-floor mezzanine between platforms 9 and 10, I instantly realised it was a trainspotter’s paradise.

Even if the food was diabolical, I could still get a delicious glimpse at the comings and goings of the Southeastern, Southern and Gatwick Express rail networks.

Filling my belly for a long journey on public transport, I eyed up a table on the balcony overlooking the Southeastern platforms, with a glimpse of the Tube entrance, and made my way to the bar.

The breakfast menu looked reasonably priced with most meals adding up to no more than ten pounds, drinks included.

0 Victoria Spoons view

Where high cholesterol meets high capacity trains

Problem was, half the menu was unavailable. No eggs benedict, no breakfast muffins and not all of the breakfast plates.

There was also no customer service as the staff all seemed to be doing twenty things at once. I would joke that they’d all ‘had their Weetabix’ this morning but I suspect that would have been off the menu as well.

I opted for a breakfast wrap and porridge with honey instead.

With a lemonade, it came to a very reasonable £7.68, cheaper than many of the train rides out of there. Surely that couldn’t go wrong.

1 Spoons Menu

I returned to my table as a pigeon flew over it and landed on an awning overlooking the balcony.

‘Don’t poo in the porridge, pigeon!’ I thought to myself as I sipped on a pint of lemonade.

That’s not something I want to be considering at any time of the day, but especially only just after getting up!

The breakfast wrap arrived looking like a cross-section of a clogged artery. I’m pretty sure it was an edible model of cholesterol they had just stolen from the pharmacy on the other side of the concourse and heated in the microwave.

0 Breakfast Wrap

Yum if you like play dough

It came quickly, which I suppose is a bonus given how most people are also waiting for a train or a coach.

The only real positive I can give the place is punctuality, timekeeping was almost railway like – generally good but still I was a bit agitated.

The wrap was dry and greasy at the same time. It had the consistency of hot play dough.

Not actual dough as a wrap might have, but the chemical tang of the rubbery cheese gave it a kick worthy of the Argos catalogue.

0 Spoons Interior

Covid-safe screens were still dotted about in the inside seating area and hand sanitiser was available which was useful

Thinking of Argos, the whole experience was very much like eating breakfast in an Argos. The railway announcements were akin to the ‘please go to your collection point’ tannoy we’ve all grinned through.

The service was transactional at best, and just like an Argos early in the morning, there was almost nothing actually in stock.

I’m no Goldilocks so pardon my lack of porridge connoisseur skills but this porridge was not too hold, not too cold, it was just… nasty. I wouldn’t go as far as saying it was gruel because gruel is probably very filling.

This was oats drowned in lukewarm ‘milk’. I put milk in inverted commas because milk is fresh and natural and gives you life.

This porridge died before it reached my table. Three spoonful’s and I stopped.

0 Spoons Porridge

No syrup. Robbed.

I presume the honey I ordered with the porridge, and paid 35p extra for, never arrived because there was no honey available.

As I stared into my honeyless bowl of sadness, I put my spoon down and wondered if I liked food or trains anymore.

You can’t enjoy a good train ride on an empty stomach and you can’t enjoy a good breakfast on an empty menu.

I was in dismay.

3 centralline

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As the balcony started to fill with hungover homebound Kent lads and a few families with time (and perhaps souls) to kill, I tucked my non-standard chair under my non-standard table and left the jumble sale-looking seating area.

I took my fat, train-loving self on my way vowing never to return.

Just like the 11.05am from West Croydon I heard on the announcements, breakfast was well and truly cancelled.

Ever dined at the ‘worst Wetherspoons in London’? Let us know in the comments below!

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